Conservatives, Liberals, and the Invention of Beer

A cousin of mine (from the Conservative side of the family) sent an email titled History 101, the invention of beer being a focal point of its thesis. I thought, like Fox News, that things should be "fair and balanced" so I wrote History 102.

The two versions of history: History 101, by a Conservative; and
History 102, by a Liberal.

It is postulated that the Conservative description of a liberal is just as accurate and true as the Liberal description of a Conservative.

History 101
For those that don't know about history... here is a condensed version:
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. Those became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democrat voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, politicians, bureaucrats, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history...

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.
And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self .

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History 102
For those that don't know about history... here is another condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. It is popular among romantics to view this life style as similar to that of a modern day leisure-class who spend summer in the mountains and winter on the coast. But these bands were often barely able to scrape out a living - a rabbit here, a few roots there. It was a tough existence, and many were lost to starvation and hardship. Some in the bands trudged on. They pursued a lifestyle because they were averse to change, and did not possess the imagination to consider an alternative way. Others in the band felt differently.

Some people believe the two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the wheel. Both of these were important, but agriculture must have been invented before beer. The order was: #1. The Wheel , #2. Agriculture. #3. Grain and #4. Beer. The wheel was not, as some believe, invented to get man to the beer. They might have happily used it for such a purpose, but they were getting the beer before wheel. But we all agree that these developments acted as a catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Conservatives think that beer was discovered first and that eventually led to agriculture. As usual, they are confused as to the order of things - and they conveniently avoid the question about origins. Agriculture didn’t arise spontaneously - nor did grain, or beer. So where did these come from?

The nature of a Conservative is such that he/she is averse to consider trying anything new or changing the way things are done. They were hunters/gatherers, and gosh darn, they liked things just the way they were. There were others in the band, however, that didn’t feel that way. They could see life wasn’t working all that well, and wanted to try something different. These were the Liberals. The Conservatives do not like to admit it but it was the Liberals that invented agriculture, then grain and then beer. Later, the Conservatives happily took up the practice of brewing, drank enough of the Liberal brew to become delusional, and eventually became addled to the point of thinking it was all their idea in the first place.

It is true that neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can had been invented at that time, so while early humans were sitting around waiting for these portable containers, both Liberals and Conservatives stayed close to the brewery, and that's how villages were formed.

It is agreed that some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This probably was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative Movement.

Other men who were not so skilled at hunting tolerated the Conservative boasting and breast beating at nightly B-B-Q's. Some of these became artisans, sewing animal skins, making pottery, or developing the bow and arrow. Others cultivated the fields, and provided vegetable variety to the nightly B-B-Q’s. This was the beginning of the Liberal Movement.

“Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. Those became known as girlie-men.” This quotation is an example of Conservative simple-minded dogma, and their tendency to revert to clichés and trite stereotypes - somewhat like the days of Jim Crow or centuries old Jew-baiting to denigrate their rivals.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, and dogs. They trained dogs to help Conservatives hunt more effeciently. They invented group therapy, group hugs, bear hugs, and the concept of democracy. They came up with idea of voting to decide the fairest way to divide the meat Conservatives brought home, and the beer that Liberals produced.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass, one of the smarted animals on earth.

Modern liberals like domestic beers produced by micro-brewery (some like lime added)… and they appreciate a good wine. They don’t like bottled water because it is environmentally destructive. Some eat raw fish, others like their beef well done. Many can’t stand sushi, tofu, or French food. Some Liberals even like hot dogs, hamburgers, and apple pie. Another interesting evolutionary side note: they treat their women as equals even though their testosterone levels are the same as Conservative men. Many social workers, community organizers, personal injury attorneys, politicians (more since the last election), bureaucrats, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly brands that closely approximate urine in color and taste - Bud or Miller or example. They eat red meat and still provide for their women (as they should). Conservatives are big game poachers, rodeo clowns, lumbering jocks, construction malingerers, frogmen, witch doctors, engineers, corporate thieves, athlete’s feet, paramilitary, airline hi-jackers and generally anyone who works the system. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living (But not the Conservatives who don’t want to work for a living??).

Liberals produce new ideas - a phenomenon alien to Conservatives. They like to govern through Democratic processes. Many Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans, and in certain respects that is correct - for instance Europeans seem to have a better understanding of world events - probably because their news agencies covers world news, not empty drivel of US agencies.

Here ends today's lesson in world history...

It is wondered if Conservatives can take it as well as they dish it out?